The Word Deserve
I think some of our deepest relational conflicts come down to differences in belief systems around human behavior.
I have written before about holding two sides at once, about consequences, boundaries, and not needing to shame people. This feels like a different layer of that same conversation, which I am clearly passionate about.
This is the more personal layer. The part where I am trying to understand why the word deserve feels so loaded in my body.
Do people deserve basic respect if they have been disrespectful?
Part of my curiosity about this question stems from the fact that I have often been told that I am naïve, and honestly, I agree.
I have also been told that I see the good in people to a fault and, again, I agree. I like that I am good at seeing the good in people and tend to view them through that lens, but I often question reality and wonder if I am sometimes living in a world that is not what it seems to be. Part of the reason I see the good, or can remain curious about what others might label as “bad,” stems from so many decades of believing I was bad, selfish, and, when I was a teenager, even feeling like I was evil for being mean to my mom sometimes.
I internalized a lot of what I believed other people thought about me. Partly due to my upbringing, partly due to being hard of hearing, and partly due to my rejection sensitivity and neurodivergence. I hated that I did things that were not what I intended or wanted to do. It has never been my intention to hurt someone or cause harm, but like all humans, I have messed up, sinned, and hurt people. I believe that hurt people hurt people.
Life hasn’t been easy for me. I acknowledge my privilege and recognize that many people have had experiences far more difficult than mine, but internally—whether it makes sense to others or not—the reality is that life has often felt hard.
My ADHD, autism, and medical issues create overwhelm that I experience throughout both my mind and body. None of this excuses the times I fall short of my own expectations or the expectations of others, but it has helped me develop more compassion for myself and greater clarity about why I struggle in the ways that I do.
The reality is that we will all be hurt by other people, and we will all hurt other people. What I find myself thinking about is what happens after the harm occurs. When someone hurts us, is it okay to be hurtful back?
If we feel disrespected by someone, do they deserve to be disrespected in return? If someone bullies us at school, do we believe they deserve to be bullied back? What do we do when someone says something cruel, behaves badly, betrays our trust, or lets us down?
This is where I find myself getting stuck on the word deserve. What does that person deserve from us now?
I don’t have all the answers. I am processing here and trying to better understand my own belief systems around human behavior.
The current belief I carry is that people deserve to be heard and that there is no place for straight-up shame and cruelty. Consequences, yes. Inhumane treatment, no. Just because someone is rude to us does not mean it is okay to be rude back.
This belief has helped me work well with populations other therapists may struggle to see or have bandwidth for. It has also occasionally led me to butt heads with other therapists.
An Unpopular Opinion
I suspect what I am about to say will not land well with everyone. Some people may think I sound naïve. Others may think I sound privileged. Some may feel that I am excusing behavior that should not be excused.
I am not telling anyone they cannot think those things. I am simply wondering if there can be space to think openly and curiously about this topic before deciding what lands and what does not.
I started down this rabbit hole when I was the one who caused harm. The other person was understandably hurt and angry. What surprised me was the belief that because I had been disrespectful, I deserved to be disrespected in return.
I remember feeling genuinely surprised. Really? I understood being hurt. I understood being angry. I understood setting a boundary. I understood deciding not to continue the relationship. What I didn’t understand was why disrespect suddenly became acceptable simply because someone else had been disrespectful first.
This moment felt very similar to something that happened a few years earlier. A volleyball player was unkind to me, and when I asked him to stop, he told me that because I shame myself, it was okay for him to shame me too.
Again:
“Are you kidding me? Really? Oh heck no.”
That logic made no sense to me either.
These two people are not the only ones who hold this belief system, and while a part of me feels angry when I hear it, there is also sadness.
A younger part of me quietly asking:
“Why do we need to be unkind to people?”
That is my naivety.
I care deeply about accountability, protecting vulnerable people, and justice. I am not suggesting people ignore harm, abandon boundaries, or suppress their anger. What I struggle with is the idea that cruelty somehow becomes virtuous simply because it is directed at someone who caused harm.
What I realized as I sat with these experiences was that my disagreement wasn’t really about the comments themselves. It was about the belief underneath them—the belief that once someone causes harm, something fundamental changes about what they deserve.
Most of the time when people use the word, I understand exactly what they mean. But sometimes I hear someone say another person deserves humiliation, ridicule, disrespect, or whatever happens next and something in me pushes back.
Sometimes it sounds like this: they hurt someone, therefore they deserve humiliation. They made a mistake, therefore they deserve ridicule. They acted badly, therefore they deserve whatever happens next.
I absolutely believe trust can be lost. Relationships can end. Consequences can be necessary. I am not arguing against any of those things. What I struggle with is the idea that another human being suddenly becomes undeserving of basic decency because they caused harm.
Maybe that comes from spending so much of my life believing I was a bad person, only to later discover that many of the things I hated about myself had explanations I couldn’t see at the time. Maybe it comes from seeing how much damage shame can do.
Whatever the reason, I continue to believe that people can deserve consequences without deserving cruelty.
And maybe that is why I struggle so much with the word deserve. Somewhere along the way, I seem to have developed a different belief about what people deserve from one another after harm occurs.
About the Author
Lisa Giles, LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist, Internal Family Systems (IFS) Approved Clinical Consultant, author of MISUNDERSTOOD, and international presenter specializing in neurodivergence, trauma, and eating disorders. She provides virtual therapy throughout California.
Exploring the power of curiosity to unmask misunderstanding and create a more compassionate world.
Want to learn more?
My book, MISUNDERSTOOD, explores ADHD, autism, AuDHD, masking, relationships, sensory differences, and healing after a lifetime of feeling misunderstood.
It offers both personal stories and practical insights for neurodivergent adults, their loved ones, and the professionals who support them.
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